She wasn't the first 18-year-old to arrive home from university 10 pounds heavier. Nor the first to feel self-conscious. But at a family gathering, one adult still couldn't refrain from commenting.

"It's good to have you back," she said, patting the girl's backside, "just maybe not quite so much of you."

Shock gave way to hurt, followed by a quick flight to the bedroom. Tears were shed. The mother followed with loving words of condolence. But in the end, she said, the woman had only expressed what a lot of people were thinking.

Twenty-five years later, the memory still stings like a fresh slap across the face.

Make no mistake about it parents. You can defend it as being "helpful" or "honest." But words — and especially comments about a child's appearance — do damage. Even more so when aimed at impressionable tweens or young teens.

A stream of recent studies supports the notion that a healthy self-image begins at home, including an August article in the journal Pediatrics which concludes that family criticism "results in long-lasting, negative effects." But anyone who's ever been on the receiving end of critical remarks about their weight or body shape doesn't need an expert to tell them that.

Most of us are quick to blame peer pressure and the constant media blitz promoting skinny female bodies and buff young men for the impossible standards imposed on our kids. But we need to acknowledge that amid all that, the messages from Mom or Dad are more important than ever. They're the ones who can reinforce the notion that feeling good, eating a balanced diet and being physically active count a lot more than where the scale tips.

And yet despite the zillions of books devoted to building kids' self esteem, the pressure on teens to look a certain way and the growing epidemic of eating disorders among young girls, many of us are still sending destructive signals to our kids.

Not always intentionally. Not overtly either. But think about it. Have you ever discouraged a daughter from having second helpings while her brother heaps more pasta Bolognese on his plate?

Maybe you're a mother who tells your daughter that looks don't matter as much as what's on the inside — but then disparages your own figure or obsesses about kicking the carbs. Or a dad who enthusiastically appraises the svelte models on the car ads.

This stuff can have enduring impact. It contributes to lack of self-confidence, unhealthy eating habits or a preoccupation with dieting. It can affect sexual behaviour and intimate relationships down the road. At worst, it could increase the risks of an eating disorder.

Ann McKee of Toronto, founder of 5 Elements Camps and Workshops for girls, has seen the effects first-hand — in kids shedding tears of shame because Mom says they're too fat. In girls obsessed with their looks who are simply following the behaviour modelled by the adults at home.

What we do and say matters. A mother who throws on her bathing suit and leaps into the pool even if she isn't thrilled with her body sends one message. So does one who constantly complains about her pant size and counts every calorie. And so does a dad who comments that the "real women" featured on the Dove billboards are too hefty.

This is one reason that Dove decided to sponsor mother-daughter workshops on body image. (http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ca ).

Those of us who don't have daughters aren't off the hook either. Boys are also under siege to look fit and fashionable. Steroid use is on the rise. So they need help sorting through how they feel about their looks. And they need the imprint of female role models who feel comfortable in their own skin.

Lisa Naylor of Winnipeg, who counsels adolescent girls and their mothers about eating issues, says the key is teaching kids to approach the whole issue from the inside out. "We're trying to get girls to realize that how they feel about themselves has a huge impact on how they look," says Naylor, who is also conducting the Dove workshops. Her tips include:

Don't single kids out on food issues if you notice one happens to be eating a lot of sweets. Better to reduce the availability of junk food and make more nutritious snacks and meals for everyone.
Don't comment on other people's weight, positively or negatively.

Pay attention. Kids who suddenly crave large amounts or stop eating may need help — whether it's more protein for energy or counselling for emotional problems.

And if your teen comes home from university sporting a bigger dress size? Rest assured she doesn't need someone to point it out. Tell her she's always beautiful to you. Then get out your bikes and go for a ride.

Article Source: The Toronto Star

Article Author: Andrea Gordon is the Star's family issues reporter. Her parenting blog Because I Said So appears on thestar.com.